If you can’t scale the Sunday Times paywall to view its front page splash about Prince William being regularly sent northwards to save the Union, don’t worry. Jaggie has far more connections with courtiers at the Palace than any Murdoch minion and can exclusively reveal the details of this grand plan. Warning: some readers might find parts of this distressing – especially if they’re dog lovers.
The first symbolic initiative will be to amend the incendiary stanza in the national anthem inserted by staunch enemies of the Jacobites. No more gung-ho loyalist lyrics about “rebellious Scots to crush” or eulogising Red Coat commanders like Marshall Wade. The segment will henceforth be sung as follows:
Lord, grant that Prince William,
May by thy mighty aid,
May he sedition hush,
and like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to clutch,
God save the Queen.
More painful, desperate measures will then be rolled out to the sound of Royal trumpets:
- Fort William will replace Edinburgh as Scotland’s capital and the Scottish Parliament will be relocated from Holyrood to the summit of Ben Nevis, with no chairlifts for MSPs.
- It will henceforth be mandatory for Rangers fans to chant about ‘Billy Boys’ at full throttle, not only within the confines of Ibrox Stadium.
- It will be an act of sedition ever to refer to Nicola Sturgeon as Queen of Scots, especially in the media. She’ll be taken to the tower if that continues.
- Prince Harry will be warmly welcomed back into the bosom of the Royal Family if he forsakes California for Caledonia and Meghan never mentions there are no black people at Balmoral.
- Prince George will be rechristened Prionnsa Seòras and Princess Charlotte of Cambridge will become Princess Caitlin of Cambuslang.
- Both of the above will be enrolled in a Gaelic medium school and will enthuse on camera about the benefits of bilingualism (if they can pronounce the Gaelic word for it).
- There will be an official Royal love trail of all William and Kate’s favourite haunts around St Andrews, strewn with petals from red English roses and the sweet little white rose of Scotland.
- The next British Open at St Andrews will be rigged so that young Bob MacIntyre from Oban wins it and Prince William presents him with the trophy on the 18th green.
- The very final season of The Crown will be set in the near future and be all about King William (whose middle names include Arthur) creating a new Camelot on the Clyde.
- Alex Salmond will defect from Russia Today to a new satellite channel called Royals Today and will declare at the end of each show that Alba will never be a Republican Party.
- All the corgis will be put down and replaced by Scotties and Westies with various thick tartan collars around their necks.
Well, you were warned it could be distressing for dog lovers.
If you’re a loyal subject and want to help William and Kate keep our Kingdom United, please post your suggestions below for passing on to my high-level Palace sources.